I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
