Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
