He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
