Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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