so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
