I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
