I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I want her autograph on my taint
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
