Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
