If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
