thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
