smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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