I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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