When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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