She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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