I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
