one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
