I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
