I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
