if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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