How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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