My liver just broke up with me...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
