What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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