were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
