my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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