i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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