Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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