i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
