I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
