I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
