i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
