he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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