goodnight i made you a song goodbye
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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