four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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