Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
