I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
