Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
