got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
