it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
