You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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