Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
