her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
