he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
