it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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