Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize