I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
