i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
