you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
