One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
