wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I think I won the penis lottery.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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