I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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