roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
