It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
