I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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