Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
