fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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