we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
