Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize